Today another author had a post on her blog about depression and her battle. It’s a battle we never win, but she’s inspired me to tell you all my story. Here goes.
The last four months have been dark ones for me. Very dark and lonely… even though I’m surrounded by so many people. One mistake triggered the darkness, my ugly depression that’s haunted me since a very young age.
It’s felt as if one mistake has turned me into a failure, one mistake has damaged the self-esteem I worked so hard to get, one mistake has taken so much from me I can no longer see the light. Throw in newly diagnosed illnesses and “friends” erasing you from their lives, and *ding ding ding* depression is the winner. Depression amplified every negative feeling at least ten-fold.
Now, I’m good at putting on a brave face, pretending to be what and who I’m supposed to be. This time I couldn’t even do that. I haven’t wanted to do all the things that make me happy: talk with you all, read, and, most importantly, write. The stories are there, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to rest my hands on the keyboard and bring them to life. I’ve wanted to sleep, binge watch Netflix and forget about everything…I’ve wanted to be numb. It’s easier to feel nothing than to feel the pain.
The writer’s retreat I went on? It’s pulled the string on the blinds and the light is starting to creep in. It’s shown me that I’m not alone in this. It’s not just me. Depression is a bitch and she is not my friend. She’s no one’s friend. She’s a weakness we can’t control, one that drags us down into nothingness and makes us stay there whether we want to or not.
Now comes the hard part–the crawling toward the light, inch by inch, until I’m able to step into the sun, step into life, tilting my head back, my face raised to the sky, arms spread wide open, as I embrace the happiness again. That’s going to take some time, but I hope I’ll be able to give you all the words again soon. I hope I’ll be able to stand in the sun soon. But, until then, please continue to be patient with me. It helps me, so much, to know you all are there.
If depression has you and she’s trying to choke you, I feel your pain; but, please, don’t let her win. Fight. We’ll all be standing right beside you anytime you need us.